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George Washington's Wooden Teeth
It has been noted by numerous historians as being ironic the fact that George
Washington, the man credited with being the "Father of our Country", has
fathered not a single child. Alas it is less known and not at all ironic the
fact that George Washington's wooden teeth had had more sexual relations than
the nation's first president himself. It is from the teeth's raucous rampages
that the sexual euphemism "wood" comes from. With an ingrained mastery of
flirtation the teeth kindled the passions of women like a dry log in the
The teeth could be credited with being the most liberal lovers of their time and
age. The race of the opposite sex played no role in their choosing of a nightly
suitor. Nor did other such trivial factors come into play. The teeth cared not
if their sex partner (or partners) for the night was white or black or oriental
or eskimo. Nor did they care if they were young or old, dead or living. In fact,
the only thing that mattered to the teeth was a hole. If something didn't have a
hole the teeth wouldn't touch it. However, if something was in fact endowed with
an orifice, or better yet, multiple orifices, it was quite frankly "fair game".
The teeth were expert seducers. Within minutes they'd have females laying
prostrate on the floor all set to make love to the piney dentures. Obviously
this was much more easier to do with dead women but embalming fluid has not been
invented yet and the rapid decomposition of tissues had ruined many an orgy.
It must be mentioned here that the teeth were the pioneers of pickup lines.
They've thought up such classics as "Baby, can I nibble on your clit?" and "Have
you ever been fucked by some molars before?" They spoke such lines in a variety
of languages such as English, Spanish, Italian, and that everlasting language of
love - Chinese. The teeth were also quite erudite in the tongues of long lost
civilizations. They were fluent in the speech of the Ancient Greeks, the
Azteks, the Atlanteans, and the Smurfs. Knowledge of the latter was especially
useful to the teeth during their wooing of that famed blue skinned lilliputian,
The teeth were suave, educated, and also kind. Especially to the handicapped. In
one very well documented occurence, the teeth engaged in a love affair with a
blind woman named Betsy. Betsy was blind in both eyes, the result of a wild
grizzly "penising" her eyes. For a good part of her life Betsy had lived with
glass spheres for eyes as a result of this gruesome incident. None the less, the
teeth proceeded to seduce her, remove her glass eyes, and fuck her in her eye
sockets. Betsy told all in her memoirs "Bear Fucked Betsy, or How I Learned To
Stop Worrying And Got Fucked In My Eye Holes".
Forbidden love was also known to the teeth who had their own "monkey on a
chain". This "monkey on a chain" was a three titted male chimpanzee that the
teeth kept around for those rare nights when love did not approach their
bicuspid selves. They would do... unmentionable things to that simian. Still, it
was all done out of love. And desperation. Also, lots of lube was used.
However, the teeth's sexual flame began to wither away in their later years.
Towards the end of the teeth's long and sticky life even the deceased refused
their advances. It was from such unfortunate but common occurrences that the
phrase "turning over in one's grave" comes from. 'Twas a sad end for the teeth's
Still, their legacy lives on. The teeth will always be remembered. Matters it
not if all records and memories of them will slowly degrade and disappear for
the teeth will live on in a different kind of memory. Genetic memory. For you
see, George Washington's wooden teeth were directly responsible for the birth of
over half this country's inhabitants. Most American families can trace their
ancestry to those wooden dentures, those harbingers of hedonism, those true
fathers of our country, those teeth.
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Hand Soap Porn
The left hand held the luscious milky soap in gentle embrace while the right
hand caressed it softly. Fingers gently brushing against every inch of the
soap's naked exposed body. Digits slowly running up and down its length now
soft wet and slippery.
The left hand relaxed and let the soap slowly go down only to be taken from
the behind by the right. Keeping a steady hold the right hand steadily
gyrated against the soaps smooth surface. The left hand joined in and they
moved in slow rhythm. Quitely almost bouncing they moved up and down and up
The soap was now wetter than ever and bubbling with pleasure. Creamy
translucent white suds rolled down its body and onto both hands who
continued their slow sensual soap tango. A dance quickly building up to a
As each hand rubbed harder and harder against the soap it seemed that they
were now moving to a different beat. An ever increasing tempo. The right
hand rolled up brushing the whole of the soap while the left hand went down.
The positions then reversed and now it was the right hand slipping down and
the left hand which was briskly ascending hungry for a soapy touch.
Excitement was at its peak with both hands and the soap now warm wet
slippery and completely covered by those sensual suds. The three moved
faster still. Climax edging closer and closer.
Finally... release! As all three dashed under a flowing warm current of
water which eased their spasms of ectasy. The tension now gone from the
hands as they slowly carried the sleeping soap to its porcelain bed. Then
after toweling off the hands went back to their daily routine.
Marionettes marketing themselves on dark corners
on dark days wearing nothing but flimsy puppet
strings and chipped wood paint miming human words
they don't need the money what are they going to
use it for but hey they're puppets and what do
they do but imitate.
Old German man marionette walks by with a five
pinned to his hand with a stainless steel brooch
looking for a bitch he can pin down and stick his
hand in he's into hand puppets you know hey at least
it ain't scheisse.
Thinking about it brings me flashbacks of lambchop
corruption so young so innocent such an seemingly
fragile little thing with a fist up its ass for
The big ones use tin soldiers as dildos and oil
based paints for lubricants not only does it help
it slide easier but it gives them a new paint job.
Puppets make me want to pull.
Godzilla Poetry Porn
Sperm whales caught in Kleenex
When Godzilla fucks Japanese whalers
With monster bird whale cock
Tug boat rear entry
By radioactive entity
A mile high fuck and suck
Shoots up as high as the moon
Then falls like rain in monsoon
Giant creature dangerous
Especially when amorous
Likes to cuddle and spoon
Harry and the Ham
Harry was just your average Erotic Vacuum Cleaner salesman. Ringing
doorbells and greeting potential customers with the company slogan
of "The Erotic Vacuum Cleaner, it fucks as it sucks!", it was how he
earned his living. It was an average job with average pay. And that
was good enough for Harry.
And every day Harry came home to his average apartment in his
average city of Fuckaduck, Arkansas. He had an average life and
average interests. He liked average sports and average foods. There
was only one thing that was unusual about Harry and that was his ham
One night, after working late, Harry finally arrived at his average
flat. He was tired but proud. He had just sold a plethora of Erotic
Vacuum Cleaners to a very wealthy Hungarian sausage factory owner
and had recieved quite a lot of money from the commision fee. That
same night he stopped at the local butcher store and bought himself
the largest ham he could find. Tonight was going to be the night,
Harry thought. Tonight was going to be the night.
He took the ham out of the bag and placed it on a small wooden table.
He made way for his closet which contained all of his ham fetish
paraphernalia. Leather, whips, chains, ropes, whip cream, and a copy
of "Ham Fucking For Dummies". He was going to need it all for tonight.
He stripped naked and put on his leather mailman outfit. He tied up
the ham in leather webbing and using thick cotton ropes suspended
it from the ceiling. Then he reached for the whip cream and completely
covered the ham in the white creamy substance. He took out a cassete
tape marked "Whip It - Devo", placed it into his stereo and set it to
full volume.He pressed play and the shouts of WHIP IT! along with
synthesizer music filled the air.
And then he began whipping the ham. Lashing away, whipping it with
full strength, each strike sending a flurry of whip cream flying.
Striking it with the raw passion of a man who lusts for ham. And Harry
did lust for his ham. He didn't just want it. Oh no. He needed it. He
needed it as badly as a drowning man needs air. He needed ham to live.
Which is why he was standing there, naked except for a black leather
mailman's outfit, "Whip It" playing on the stereo full blast, lashing
away at the suspended ham with a massive bull whip. He was doing it out
of lust, out of desire, out of need, out of love. He was whipping the ham.
Finally he stopped. Exhausted. It was time, he thought. Time to fuck the ham.
He walked up to a kitchen drawer and took out a razor sharp kitchen knife.
After which he approached the ham and softly, quietly, with expert
precision began carving out an orifice. It didn't take long before he
finished creating an opening. He put away the knife and got out a tube of
lubricant which he began to gently apply to the ham's orifice.
Finally he was done. He reached down and undid the zipper of his black
leather mailman's outfit and whipped out his tool.
He entered the ham quickly and abruptly and began fucking it rhythmically
to the beat of the music emanating from the stereo. In. Out. In. Out. In.
He kissed the ham and licked it with his tongue. It tasted raw. With a bit
of seasoning. He began fucking it faster. More rapidly now. He was reaching
that point. And with every thrust he was closer. Closer. Closer. Closer.
"Not yet" he said and pulled out.
Harry walked over to his pet hamster's cage. Below the cage was a pile of
plumbing equipment. He reached down and grabbed a lengthy PVC pipe. Then
he reached into the cage and pulled out his pet hamster, Jimmy Hoffa.
Using the kitchen knife he made another orifice near the top of the
suspended ham. He shoved the PVC down this newly created opening. Then he
threw in little bits of cheese followed by Jimmy Hoffa. Withing seconds
Harry could hear him scraping away. Harry smiled and then turned his
attention back to fucking the ham.
"Now where were we?" he asked himself. In reply he penetrated the ham once
again and began to fuck it. Soon he felt himself reaching that point once
more. Closer. Closer. Closer. This time he didnt stop. Closer. Closer.
He came into the ham. Millions of tiny sperm traversing through the
orifice inside the massive bulk of meat that was the ham.
Harry pulled away, all spent. He walked up to his refrigirator and pulled
out an ice cold bottle of Jack Daniels. It was a good day, he thought as
he drank himself into unconsciousness.
Love Needs No Limbs
Linda Limbs had no limbs. Confined to her hospital bed at the local
hospital, her only companions were a morphine bag, and Skag - the clumsy
janitor. However, this sad day, Linda's morphine bag was as empty as
overused diarrhea prone bowels and Skag was nowhere in sight. The reason
for his absence, Linda reasoned, was probably that accident he had with
that old metal, razor sharp rake. The one that took off his legs. He
probably was recovering in one of the many rooms of the hospital. Two
stumps for legs and no way to get to Linda. She started to cry. Oh how
miserable her life was! And no morphine to dull the pain of living!
She lay there on her back, sobbing. Her full, perfect quadruplegic breasts
heaved back and forth with each breath. And then suddenly she lay still.
Her grief interrupted by a loud metallic bang emanating from somewhere down
What could that be? thought Linda. And then, seemingly in reply to her
mental inquiry, in rode a wheelchair. Dragging poor legless Skag behind it.
His shirt sleeve was caught by one of the wheels.
"Skag!" Linda cried "Skag what are you doing here?"
"I just came over to see you. I bribed the nurse and she snuck in this
wheelchair. However I crashed into a pole on my way here and I fell off."
"Oh Skag, what would I ever do if it wasn't for you?"
Skag didn't reply. He was too busy freeing his sleeve from the wheelchair
wheel's grip of death. Finally, using his powerful arms, he "leaped" into
the seat and rolled himself over to Linda.
"Linda... there is something... something I'd like to say to you if you
"What is it Skag? What is it? Don't you know you can tell me anything?"
"Well Linda, you see... I love you. I've been in love with you ever since
we've met. I don't care if you have no limbs. Hell look at me! I don't have
any legs! I love you Linda! Tell me you love me too!"
"Yes! Yes Skag I do! I've loved you since the first time I've laid eyes on
you! And it doesn't matter if you don't have any legs! It doesn't matter!
You don't need legs to love! You don't need legs! You only need one thing!
Your James Bond, Skag! I want your James Bond in me! I want to ride on your
James Bond like there's no tomorrow!"
"Oh Linda! I never knew you felt that way!"
"Don't speak Skag! Just come over here and do me! Do me like a moose does a
"Yes Linda! Yes!" cried Skag and began moving the wheelchair ever closer to
her bed until finally it reached the edge. Once more Skag used his powerful
arms to "leap" from the wheelchair onto Linda's hospital bed. Quickly, he
began undressing her. Button by button. Knot by knot. Leather strap by
And Linda Limbs lay there in heat. Absolutely nude. Her gorgeous torso and
breasts completely exposed to Skag. "Take me!" she cried "Take me like candy
from a baby!"
Skag unzipped his fake pants and let out his mighty James Bond. It was big
and wide. But not too big like a John Wayne or a Kelsey Grammer. No, it was
a James Bond. And it was just right for Linda, just like the Little Bear's
porridge was just right for Goldilocks.
He entered her bear trap and Linda moaned with pleasure. She was hornier
than Santa's reindeer. Skag started pumping his secret agent in and out.
In and out. Linda just kept on moaning, and twisting around as best as she
could on her hospital bed.
Skag sped up their sensuous rhythm. Slowly manuevering his James Bond in
and out of Linda's bear trap caressing her clitoris with it's secret agent
head. Then suddenly he withdrew.
"What is it?" asked Linda.
"I want you to suck my secret agent" said Skag.
Linda didnt reply. Instead she just opened her mouth wide in expectation of
double-oh-seven. Skag used is arms to "arm-walk" over to her head and as he
lowered himself he stuck his James Bond into her vocal orifice and began
pumping in and out, in and out, in a wild frenzy.
Linda moaned, her pleasure sounds muffled by Skag's secret agent.
"Oh Linda!" yelled Skag as he pushed double-oh-seven in and out of her
mouth. He put his arms behind him, laying them on her breasts. His fingers
tweaked her nipples like a ham radio operator on crack. "Oh Linda, I think
I'm going to come!"
Quickly he withdrew his James Bond from her mouth. Loads of semen shot out
from the secret agent's one eye, some landing on Linda's hair, her face,
her neck, and one in her left nostril.
"Oh Skag" Linda said lusciously "that was the best time I ever had. Promise
me we'll do this everyday!"
"I promise Linda, I promise!" said Skag lovingly as he dressed Linda,
wiping his Elmer's Glue off her head.
Suddenly they heard a nurse approaching.
"Oh Skag! Here comes the nurse! You better go!" cried Linda.
Skag zipped up his fake pants, kissed Linda on the mouth, "arm-leaped" into
his wheelchair, and stormed out of the room faster than Dale Earndheart.
But not before saying "I love you!"